The Journey to Sell the Worst Tickets in America

I feel the need to preface this article with a little bit of background.

I’ve never been an NBA fan. I’ve proven on multiple occasions that I can watch college basketball for at least 14 consecutive hours, but I’ve just never enjoyed the NBA. To a layperson, that probably sounds akin to a fanatic of AA baseball that just can’t get into MLB, but it’s just the way I am.

That being said, I moved to the DC area 2 years ago, went to a few Wizards games with some friends, and eventually got drunk enough to purchase season tickets for the 2011-12 season. The theory was that we would get to see some of the all-stars while laughing at the perils of the Wizards, and that at $16 a game, season tickets would be cheaper than trying to Stubhub the “premium” games.

Turns out we severely underestimated the Wizards’ futility and subsequent scalping prices.

There were 4 of us that split 2 seats, so we had a fantasy draft to determine who would go to which games. Naturally, the first few games off the board were the Heat, the Thunder, the Clippers, and the Lakers.

What were the last tickets selected, you ask? That would be the Monday, April 23 game against the Bobcats.

Not only did none of us want those tickets, but two weeks before the game, it was becoming apparent that no one was going to go to the game.

Charlie suggested the idea that follows. These are the actual ads I posted on Craiglist.

April 11, 8:04 PM.

Charlotte Bobcats @ Wizards 4/23 - $60 (Upper Deck)

Kobe.

LeBron.

Durant.

These are just a few of the elite members of the NBA you won’t be spectating when the Charlotte Bobcats come to Washington DC on Monday, April 23^rd.

However, for the mere price of $60*, you can purchase 2 upper deck tickets at face value to behold 20+ minutes of titillating action from the likes of Byron Mullens, Derrick Brown, D.J. White, James Singleton, Cartier Martin, and Jan Vesely.

*Parking, Concessions, and Cell Phone reception not included.

You won’t want to miss this game!

Serious inquiries only, please.

April 12, 10:53 PM.

Wizards. Bobcats. 4/23. Below face value! - $54 (421)

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity…

On Monday April 23^rd, you can be in the upper deck of the Verizon Center as Kevin Seraphin and Bismack Biyombo square off for the right to replace Dirk Nowitzki as the greatest foreign born NBA player in history.

And it’s only going to cost you $54.

I offered these tickets yesterday for $60, and have not yet been able to sift through the barrage of offers I’ve received through e-mail, text, phone, and carrier pigeon; but out of the generosity of my heart, I’m going to knock six McChicken sandwiches off the asking price of face value. In case you don’t realize what a bargain that is, with the money I’m saving you, you could purchase 67% of one (1) bottled beer from DC’s finest professional basketball arena.

And trust me, you’ll go through a few bottles before the game’s over.

So act now. These tickets won’t last long.

April 13, 11:58 PM.

Charlotte @ Washington. 4/23. Someone Please Buy These Tickets! - $48 (421)

Odds are you’ve never won the lottery.

But for the small fee of $48, you can witness the two NBA franchises most likely to do just that.

The uni-browed phenom, Anthony Davis, waits in the wings as the Charlotte Bobcats come to DC to square off with the Washington Wizards on Monday April 23^rd. I’m being told the 12 man rosters actually get paid to entertain you, and that Rashard Lewis gets paid more than both teams combined to do nothing. Simply fascinating.

I was fortunate enough to score two (2) upper deck tickets for the grand event, but have unfortunately decided instead to eat Dorito shell tacos while watching a Storage Wars marathon.

My loss is your gain, as I’m now offering to sell these tickets for $48, which is 80% of face value!

Be sure to take advantage of this 20% discount before it turns into 30%.

April 15, 7:30 PM.

Bobcats @ Wizards. April 23^rd. HOT ITEM! - $36 (Section 421)

I had intended to update this listing yesterday, but suffered from a momentary lapse in judgment.

After attending the Cavs/Wizards game last night, and lasting almost all the way through the 3^rd quarter before drowsily departing from the Verizon Center, I began to question whether I could part with these premium tickets.

Upon further review, I determined it would be unfair to not share the wealth with the Wizard faithful. Not only am I putting the offer back on the table, but I have reduced the asking price to $36. The combined face price for these 2 beauties is $60, so I’m offering you $24 in savings. I don’t even know if Groupon would be willing to make that type of financial sacrifice for you.

And in case you missed the breaking news on twitter: “R. Mason Jr. will have finger surgery on Mon and miss rest of season.. J Singleton singled for rest of yr”. That’s great news for all the diehard James Singleton fans who were hesitating to purchase these tickets due to the fact that his 10 day contract would soon be expiring.

Also breaking from twitter: “I don’t think that was enough food.” – Chris Singleton. Exciting news from the starting small forward!

Get these tickets before they’re gone!

April 17, 11:45 PM.

Wizards. Bobcats. Drinking Game? - $24 (Section 421 Row A)

If you liked Keanu Reeves in The Replacements, or if you’ve ever wondered what 8 NBDL guys would look like in NBA jerseys, then these tickets are for you.

The Bobcats have already secured the honor of worst team in the NBA, and by the time this game takes place, the Wizards may very well have locked up 2^nd worst.

With records like these, it’s hard to argue that they’re playing for pride; and with what the Wizards are paying Andray Blatche and Rashard Lewis to not play, you can’t very well argue they’re playing for their paychecks. So let’s all be honest about the fact that no one is going to the Verizon Center on April 23^rd for the game. I assure you, people with more talent and more heart can be found playing pick-up ball at your local community center.

If you want to have a night worth telling your grandkids about, allow me to advertise this sporting event as a drinking game.

Take a drink every time:

-          Jan Vesely air balls a jumper

-          John Wall slides into the basket support after dribbling 100 MPH down the court and hurling the ball in the general vicinity of the backboard

-          Jordan Crawford dribbles up the court, stands around for 5 seconds, and jacks up a contested 3

-          Someone named Singleton commits a foul

-          Shelvin Mack does something to make you wonder why the Wizards need John Wall

Because you’ll need a lot of money for alcohol over the course of the game(s), I’m offering the pair of tickets at 40% of face value. With the $36 in savings, you should be able to purchase enough Land Shark to get you through the first quarter.

April 20, 3:21 PM.

4/23 Wizards vs. Bobcats 2 Tickets (Section 421 Row A)

It’s been 3 days since my last offer.

I still haven’t received one.

There was a private party at Six Flags last night for the Wizards season ticket holders.

It almost made up for having to watch them play for the past 4 months.

I’m giving these tickets away for free.

I only ask that you meet me somewhere near where I live (McLean, VA), and answer a few questions I have as to why you want them.

Please e-mail if interested and able to pick up the tickets.

End result:

I received one e-mail for the free tickets. I called the guy back and left a message. The tickets are still on my desk. The Wizards won 101-75. Let's go Nats!